Mediation Works

Parent & Teen Mediation In British Columbia

Are you currently struggling with your teen’s behavior? Have you tried everything you can think of but nothing seems to work? Do you value the relationship and want it to stay positive and healthy?
Contact Shirley

Mediation Works

Parent & Teen Mediation In British Columbia

Are you currently struggling with your teen’s behavior? Have you tried everything you can think of but nothing seems to work? Do you value the relationship and want it to stay positive and healthy?
Parenting teenagers can be very challenging and if the conflict is not addressed, damage can occur to the relationship. Teens want to be heard and have a say in house rules, but parents need to ensure it is safe and in their best interests. This struggle is very real! It is a delicate dance between “giving in” and “staying strict”. The process of mediation allows for courageous conversations with your teen in a safe manner, without arguing or yelling and the mediator is there to ensure the process is followed and all parties stay on the task at hand. Resolutions are written up in a document and regular reviews can help ensure the new house rules are followed.
I am a trained mediator and also a mother to two adult daughters and know the struggles in parenting teenagers. I will facilitate conversations so your relationship with your teen remains loving and respectful.
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Why Do Parents And Teens Need Mediation?

Parenting teenagers can be very challenging, and if conflict is not addressed, it can damage the relationship. Teens want to be heard and have a say in house rules, but I need to ensure it is safe and in their best interests. This struggle is very real! It is a delicate dance between ‘giving in’ and ‘staying strict.’ My mediation process allows for courageous conversations with your teen in a safe manner, without arguing or yelling. I am there to ensure the process is followed and all parties stay on task. I write up the resolutions in a document, and regular reviews can help ensure the new house rules are followed.

I am a trained mediator and also a mother to two adult daughters and know the struggles in parenting teenagers. I will facilitate conversations so your relationship with your teen remains loving and respectful.

Education & School Grades

  • Is your teen frequently missing school and/or you have to fight and argue every morning to get them to attend? Are you worried their grades are dropping and not sure how to approach this?
  • Let Shirley facilitate a conversation between you and your teen so everyone gets a chance to discuss how they see the situation. Although you may not agree, understanding how your teen perceives it will help dig out what the worries are and then a plan can be created to resolve it.

No Employment

  • Does your teen constantly ask for money when they are able to work part time? Are you worried your teenager is lazy and won’t learn basic life skills that a job provides?
  • I can facilitate a discussion between all of you so creative questions can be asked that will bring forward what the real barriers are. I do not take sides, but can guide the conversation so it remains respectful and compassionate.

Not Following House Rules

  • Does your teen often break house rules like not coming home by curfew? Or maybe the chores you have assigned to your teen never get done? Are you tired of having to nag your teen daily?
  • Using a mediator can help these discussions because everyone gets a chance to be heard without interruption. Once everyone has had a chance to be heard, resolutions can be made and agreed upon. Everyone is happier because they get a say in what will happen if the rules are broken.

Video Games

  • Are you always having conversations about video games and the length of time your teen spends doing this? Does your teen roll their eyes and not understand what the problem is?
  • I can help have these conversations so it does not end up in arguing or conflict. I will guide the conversation so everyone talks about what they worry about and then parties are able to brainstorm ideas about what can happen next. An agreement is written up for all parties and can be regularly reviewed.

Drugs & Alcohol

  • Do you worry about how much your teen experiments with drugs or alcohol? Are you worried their substance use is impacting their daily life like school and work? Have you tried to talk about this and it just ends up in hurt feelings or damaged relationships? Do you worry your teen may not survive if they keep using
  • I have lots of experience working with teens and substance use and knows each teen is different and they use substances for different reasons. I can talk with your teen to find out what they like about using drugs, why they use drugs and when. Once we know why your teen likes drugs/alcohol, family members can have an opportunity to discuss what they worry about for the teen. This is done in a loving way so the teen is not “ganged up on”. The teen also has an opportunity to discuss anything they worry about, so it is a balanced conversation. Any agreements are written out and reviewed to ensure it is effective for everyone. It may not be perfect, but it will be something everyone can live with.

Gender Identity/Sexual Orientation

  • Are you noticing changes in your teen’s behavior, such as how they dress or perhaps they are using different pronouns or names to describe themselves? Are you unsure how to approach this because you don’t want to hurt your relationship?
  • I will facilitate the conversation so everyone gets heard and the space remains safe enough for the teen to express how they are feeling. The courageous dialogue is guided by the mediator so all worries are heard and hopefully, a plan is created that will allow the teen to feel loved and trusted to make these important decisions.

Religious Beliefs

  • Does your family practice a certain religion or believe in a particular God? Is your teen now showing signs they do not believe or they no longer want to engage in religious tasks? Have you had these conversations but it ends up in hurt feelings?
  • I can assist with these courageous conversations so your relationship stays solid. I will identify what the teen is struggling with and bring forward opportunities for the family to discuss what can happen next. Agreements are written down and reviewed regularly so the plan remains effective.

How Can I Improve My Communication With My Teenager(s)?

  • First thing is LISTEN! I know we’ve all heard it before, but when you really listen to what your teen is saying, you may find some understanding. You might disagree with how they see things, but at least you can understand where they are coming from.
  • Second thing is SHOW LOVE! Teens often say their parents hate them, when in reality, the parent is just frustrated and not sure what to say or do. Show love means no name calling, no hitting, no yelling but rather remain calm and say things like “I love you and it’s my job to worry about you”.
  • Third…BE READY TO BE FLEXIBLE! Adolescence is a tough time because your teen is doing what they are supposed to do. They are getting ready for adulthood and that means they need to learn how to make decisions. Some decisions will be good and some will not be. As a parent, you will need to be flexible and allow your teen to have some voice in these decisions, so you have to be ready to bend a little and meet your teen halfway or compromise.

Speak With A Professional Mediator And Get Help With Your Teen

Conflict is inevitable. How we handle it determines whether the relationship will end up strengthened or damaged. Mediation allows for these relationships to remain strong, which is exactly what your teen needs in times of crises. I can help you have these courageous discussions.
Contact Shirley For Mediation

How Can I Get My Teenager To See A Mediator?

Mediation is a voluntary process, so all parties must be willing to want a resolution to the problem or conflict. I cannot force anyone to enter into a mediation, but I can ask some creative questions about what will happen if mediation is not used. Shuttle mediation, where parties are in separate rooms can be done or online mediation is also offered. I can help parents and teens understand that doing the same thing over and over is not going to result in different outcomes. Mediation is different from what they are used to and therefore will result in a better outcome.

Parent Teen Mediation In Kamloops + Across BC

  • Mediation can be done in several ways to meet the needs of the family. I am able to see you in person, or I can offer mediation over Zoom.

Work Towards A Positive Resolution!

Across the phases of development, adolescence is the phase where children are learning to become adults. Children are learning how to make decisions in their lives and not depending on their parents anymore. I believe that all parents love their children and want what is best, but sometimes how they approach it results in damaged relationships. Let me help you have these courageous conversations with your teen so everyone feels heard and understood. You may or may not end up with an agreement, but I can assure you that all parties will have the opportunity to be heard in a safe manner and you will be guided towards a resolution that you all can live with.

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Parent And Teen Mediation : Frequently Asked Questions

  • We need to remember that teenagers are still children. Their brains are not fully developed until age 25. When you say the teen “doesn’t care” I would ask what that means. I dig into the actual behaviours that you are currently seeing that make you think “the teen doesn’t care”. For example, let’s say you see your teen rolling their eyeballs every time you mention cleaning their room. Does that mean they don’t care about having a clean room? Not necessarily.
  • It is possible that you both have different ideas about what “a clean room” means. The teen may think that having food under the bed isn’t a problem, but have you asked? What do they think is acceptable? I would encourage you to ask them. Once you know what their perception is of “clean” then it is up to you as the parent to see if you can negotiate something that will make you happier, but still respecting the child’s view.
  • I’m not sure what “out of control” means, but if it means your teen is demonstrating violent behaviours like hitting or punching holes in the wall when they are angry, then you need to ensure your safety first. Call police and leave the home anytime your teen shows violence and you are worried for your own safety. If you have younger children in the home, take them with you to ensure their safety.
  • When you and your teen have calmed down, enter the conversation by showing love. No yelling, no hitting, etc but rather tell the teen you love them and it’s your job as their parent to help them get through hard times. You may want to ask your teen “What could I have done in that situation that would have been helpful so we didn’t have to call police?” Get the child to brainstorm and offer suggestions for next time. Doing this creates trust in the relationship as you are showing your child, you will do what you say.
  • None! Just the word punishment makes me cringe! Children need to be taught in a loving, positive way. House rules need to be clear and firm so everyone knows the rules, but also what will happen if the rules get broken.
  • So, if your teen breaks the rules, he/she/they will know exactly what will happen, because you’ve had these conversations before and maybe these rules are written down somewhere with clear consequences..
  • In my experience, you have better outcomes if you reinforce good behavior and let the small stuff go. As my own mother used to say, “you catch way more flies using honey than vinegar”.
    • We need to remember that teenagers are still children. Their brains are not fully developed until age 25. When you say the teen “doesn’t care” I would ask what that means. I dig into the actual behaviours that you are currently seeing that make you think “the teen doesn’t care”. For example, let’s say you see your teen rolling their eyeballs every time you mention cleaning their room. Does that mean they don’t care about having a clean room? Not necessarily.
    • It is possible that you both have different ideas about what “a clean room” means. The teen may think that having food under the bed isn’t a problem, but have you asked? What do they think is acceptable? I would encourage you to ask them. Once you know what their perception is of “clean” then it is up to you as the parent to see if you can negotiate something that will make you happier, but still respecting the child’s view.
    • If your teen is demonstrating violent behaviours like hitting or punching holes in the wall when they are angry, then you need to ensure your safety first. Call police and leave the home anytime your teen shows violence and you are worried for your own safety. If you have younger children in the home, take them with you to ensure their safety.
    • When you and your teen have calmed down, enter the conversation by showing love. No yelling, no hitting, etc but rather tell the teen you love them and it’s your job as their parent to help them get through hard times. You may want to ask your teen “What could I have done in that situation that would have been helpful so we didn’t have to call police?” Get the child to brainstorm and offer suggestions for next time. Doing this creates trust in the relationship as you are showing your child, you will do what you say.
    • None! Just the word punishment makes me cringe! Children need to be taught in a loving, positive way. House rules need to be clear and firm so everyone knows the rules, but also what will happen if the rules get broken.
    • So, if your teen breaks the rules, he/she/they will know exactly what will happen, because you’ve had these conversations before and maybe these rules are written down somewhere with clear consequences..
    • In my experience, you have better outcomes if you reinforce good behavior and let the small stuff go. As my own mother used to say, “you catch way more flies using honey than vinegar”.